A few weeks ago I was down with a fever, no energy and strep throat. During this time I actually had to stop, like legitimately stop and be still. My mind was left to wander and enter the places in my head I didn’t ever want to. I’ve spent time suppressing these thoughts and memories, trauma events in my life. These times are difficult to process, which is why they held a special file in my head. Essentially I was planning on dealing with them at a later time, but never truly wanted that moment to come. In my defense this is a coping skill, this was something I never understood about myself. I just kept living my life by tucking away any true feelings that came up. Having to stop and address these almost scared me. I think in many ways they terrify most people. This time out helped me reflect on my current life situation. The fact that people tell me to ‘stop’ and ‘be still’ and I simply struggle with that. I know there are feelings, memories, fears and self-reflection that should be completed.
It will happen, there will be time to fix my fears. I know that the first step to dealing with it is to name it. What I want people to understand is that when you do STOP and be still you learn more about yourself. I learned more about myself in 3 days alone than I ever thought I would. This taught me that even in the midst of my hurry also comes too much worry. The worry buries itself in my head and I keep hiding it away. It will be addressed and I will have processing happening. Though for right now being busy helps more than anyone will ever know.
Since I love writing. Here’s what I came up with. These phrases aren’t meant to flow together. I just couldn’t decide between the two.
Let me be busy so I don’t have to think.
Thinking about thoughts that make me sink.
Making me drown in my mistakes and unspoken words.
Keeping and storing inside what actually hurts.
No one would understand so I dismiss their concerns.
The fires of thinking burns like a volcano, stopping would expose the lava that is my thinking.
Let me be busy because stopping would be misery.
Being busy helps me keep going, and thriving
Being busy keeps my feelings from showing
Being busy puts my thoughts on hold
Being busy stops fear from taking control
No one understands why being busy brings me peace
No one understands what’s hiding underneath
Underneath that busy is trauma, trauma that should stay beneath
Because stopping would be misery
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